Powerfull Ally In Numbness....PAIN

Out of Syllabus 6
 Numbness means loss of sensation. Its a state where you got nothing to do. Nothing to think. Nothing to feel. I was numb. I was at a standstill. Everything else in the world around me is moving. As seen in movies. And in the numbness i found a powerful ally- PAIN.
Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience.I never feared physical pain. I somehow enjoyed pain, to an extend. God also knew this. May be that is why he decided to punish me for my sins with mental pain. Mental pain- I could not bear it. I could not bear the torture.Torture by my ZAHIR. As sting sang- "No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this". The very thought of her turns out to be Pain for me.
But i have to fight that pain. Else i will have to succumb to it. But i was not ready to give up. I sought out a solution. I traveled through the other side of my mind. Through the darker alleys. To say, I was embracing the other side. After wandering  lot, i finally found a solution- PAIN. fight pain with pain. Fight mental pain with physical pain. Masochism. That was the perfect solution for numbness. I started torturing myself and i liked it. It helped me to fight my inner terrors. The feel of silky leather on your bare flesh. It kindles your skin. It sets your skin ablaze. The feeling of long nails or sharp blade piercing your skin. To see the red of blood. To feel your bones crushing. Muscles stretching.... Oh it is wonderful. I fought pain with greater pain. I realised, PAIN- pain only can purify you. Greater the pain, purer you become.
GOD- I SERVE YOU MY SKIN, FLESH & BLOOD. TAKE MY OFFERINGS & PURIFY ME FROM MY SINS...

Romanov.....journey through a Pensieve....

"I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form." 

I was in 7th std. I knew my father drank and i hated alcohols. I didnt like my father drinking. One day i found out where he kept his drinks and smashed that bottle. That day my father scolded me and beat me to pulp. I couldnt understand why. I asked him.He told" You will understand when you come to my position". I never knew it will be true then .

I was in engineering first year. My friends were collecting the names of people who drink, I told no.

I was in fifth sem, NIMBUS2k8, our class tour. I didnt drink.

I was in 6th sem, Teranis2k9, first ever techfest of LBSCE. The result of our hardwork. Still I didnt drink.

I fell in LOVE. I felt wonderful. But I was broken. Because of love. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to relieve from the pain. I decided to test alcohol. And on march 5th 2010 we went to MEGHARAJ to celebrate my 6th sem fullpass. (My first fullpass.) It was then when i had my first peg. My first drink was mixed by X (sorry cant disclose who it is). Mixing a drink for others is the best method to show one's friendship, respect, loyalty and warmness (courtesy- GOD FATHER). And in that context he had shown everything. The atmosphere was great. Light was dim. And chilled beer made it more wonderful. Now i understood that what my father told was true.

Vivikenanda told "Drinking wont solve your problems". Mallya told "Drinking will help you forget your problems". Guess which is better......

Death - from chaos to peace...

Out of Syllabus 5
Death- detachment at its purest form. Its a state from chaos to peace. But all fear death.Even me. Why is it so? I dont know. In my search of the most beautiful way to die- i found the answer. During NIMBUS08- our class tour. One of the places we went during tour was suicide point at Kodaikanal. The place seems to be mystical. There was a rock projecting on side of a hill below which death waits for us. There as some kind of eerie feeling for the place.There was some kind of vibration. The valley beneath seems to attract me. Death seems to call me. It was tempting me to jump, to fly without wings into darkness. To peace. The very thought was filling me. But i knew i was not ready for it. I was feared. When my friends went there, i shouted at them to comeback. Dont know why i feared. The place was tempting then why should i fear. May be i was not ready. Now i found a new taste in me- heights. Be it kodai, payambalum, talcauvery or even a top of a building... I like heights. When i look down, i feel light weighted. Like flying. It tempts me, attracts me to jump. Oh! how good it will be fly. To feel the rush of the wind. Perishing. vanishing into thin air. The thought itself is overwhelming. And i realised the best form of death is heights.....

Burger...

Out of Syllabus 4

This is an investigative post. A question which have been pestering me. In the end if you find the answer for my question, please let me know. This post got many parts.

• We were hungry! We were fed up with hostel food. We cant starve anymore. We were not ready to give up. We decided to take matters in our hand. We thought of preparing burgers. For that we bought Buns and vegetables (Onions, tomato, carrot, lemon, chillies, capsicum etc) We cut the vegetables beautifully. Arranged them in bun. When we ate it, it felt wonderful since it was hand made by us. We enjoyed it a lot.
• We had classes from morning 6 to eve 6. For that Emil got up at 5 and had bath. I got up at 5.30 but did not have bath and went to class. Oh my God! Me getting up early morning to go to class. That was not me. That was never me! I bunked next days class. Now that is me. Well this is not the point which i have to say. Main point is Emil got up and had bath early morning.
• Emil got fever. High fever and body pain. He was very weak. He refused to eat because he felt everything tasteless. He looked sick. Now the question is- How did he get fever? He had the burger. Did it cause any problem? But others too had burger, they did not get fever. Emil got up at 5, may be the cold climate affected him. But i got up at 5.30, just half an hour late, but nothing happened to me. Then what was the reason Emil got fever? What you feel. What i felt is that it is not burger or getting up early that caused his fever, but it was because he took BATH!!! That was my conclusion. What do you feel??

Moral- DO NOT BATH!! IT MAY CAUSE FEVER!!!"

Tea...

Out of Syllabus 3

Tea. It is the second largest beverage consumed after water. This post is dedicated to one of the most wonderful beverage. I did not like tea till my +2. And when i started to develop taste for it, it became inevitable for me. A hot cup of tea can be very relieving and can cheer up you a lot. In hostel we used to have around six glasses of tea a day. 

But now at Hyderabad- Chandra's Men Hostel we get tea only in the morning- that too an ounce. An ounce of tea a day instead of six glasses. Can you believe it!!! Bloody Hyderabadi's does not like tea and we are suffering for it. Dont they know the importance of tea? Well they better understand it, may be after this post. After my comparison.

Here I am going to compare tea with a Girl. Surprised?? Ya. I compare tea with girls.

• I like tea when it is HOT, if it becomes cold it become savor less. Girls too!!
• Smell of tea intoxicate you, Girls too!!
• Drinking tea takes to ecstasy, fills you with energy, helps you think clearly. Girls too!!
• Tea at right quantity is good, when consumed more it causes problems. Girls too!!
• You got to boil a lot to make good tea and you got to toil a lot to make girl at her best.

 Dont you too agree with me? May be girls wont. Sorry for them. And who cares, if they dont. So what to do if they are not providing tea. We bought a coil and started making tea ourselves. We drank cup full of tea, pitying poor Hyederabadis- who dont know to enjoy TEA!!! I am drinking a cup of tea while posting this. With a feeling of deep satisfaction. Oh.. Its so wonderful....

Stay with me........

"I remember a prison of all memories

And I`m drowning in tears

Come and help me please

Stay with me Stay with me

Baby when the lights go down

I was so crazy

All the time I made you cry.

You walk away and never said goodbye

On and on, on and on

I guess I lost you Now your gone." - AKCENT (STAY WITH ME)

She left me!!! Without saying a GOOD BYE. Without turning back. And she never returned, not even when i was rotten in hell.

World says a boy and a girl can never be just friends. Is it true? I can blatantly say NO. Because she was only my friend. I was never attracted towards her. She was just a friend and she was the best I ever had. I was broken, lonely, mad. I was in danger, of getting lost. I feared. I saw nightmares. I was in pain. It was like hitting by 1000 nails. One day she turns up. And i knew she was the angel sent by God himself. To relieve from my pain and sins. Indeed she was an angel. She wasn't the best around. She wasn't the most beautiful one. She was idiotic and very much childish. But she have been very much comforting for me.Best thing in her is that she listens to me. When you are in despair, what you want is not advice, but someone just to listen what you have got to say. And that is why i like her most. She listened to me, without interrupting. I let my emotions flow. Never in my life i had opened up to anyone like this. She was soft and can easily be fooled. I must confess that i used her weakness. But she taught me a lot. I never looked into her eyes. I never talked to her face to face, because i was ashamed. I was ashamed to admit that my whole life depended on her. And that was the worst thing i did. But regret and remorse cant help now!

I could not say goodbye to her. I never thought it was necessary. In fact i never thought she will be gone. I had a chance and i did not utilize it. I could not even be one percent, of what she had been to me, towards her. I could never return the comfort and care she provided to me. This post is for you. Just you. To let you know that I am sorry. If somehow, somewhere you happened to see this post..... just understand how much i miss you..... May be this too was written beforehand itself........

Black hole....

Out of Syllabus 2

"Archangel, Dark Angel
Lend me thy light
Through Death's veil
'Til we have Heaven in sight!"

There was light. Pure white. Like unicorn it was white at its purest form. It was the light of hope, freedom, passion and love. I could see it in heights. Top of a hill surrounded by dark valley of death. But valley never feared me. My destination was source of the light.I climbed the hill with will and hope.Inching closer at each step. I reached a stage were i could grab the light. I was happy. Because that light reflected on me. Making me pure and holy.

But suddenly it became ablaze.Hot and it burned me. It blinded me. I closed my eyes. I missed my step and fell down to depths.To the dark valley of death. It took time for me to realize that i was in valley of darkness. Area haunted by dark spirits, werewolves and vampires. They are like cancer, carving you inch by inch.They gave me something to drink. Later i realized it was my blood.It was torture then. Long dark hours of torture. Pain, excruciating pain engulfed me. Soon i became used to it.Sadism, satanism and ultimately masochism. I was getting lost of myself. I was becoming one of them.

One day when i looked up, i could see the white light. It was nearing me. It felt angelic and divine. The darkness and evil spirits backed off. Light took me to real ground. I came back to reality. And the light was gone. I gazed at hill top, light was there. I returned without trying to acquire it. I knew it was not to be acquired........

[Thanks:- Anoop aka Jamban]

How much I love her?????

Out of syllabus 1

It was weekend. And as usual me and my cutie (my girl) went for outing to the hill side. It was evening of a summer day. We went to our usual spot, underneath the huge tree.There was gentle breeze caressing us. I was on her lap as usual dreaming. She was reading. Suddenly she asked me "How much do you love me?". It woke me from my dreams. This question came unexpected. I thought for a while. Again she asked "Didnt you hear me?". I answered "Let me think". She asked "What is there to think?" She was right. me being her lover must know how much i love her. But to answer this question one must think a lot I could tell her that i love her as many stars are there in the sky or as many grains of sand are there in seashore etc and all to satisfy her. But will that justify myself. I asked myself how much i loved her. True from heart. Do i love her as many stars are there in sky? No. Do i love her so much that when she asks me to jump from a building or tell me to drown myself, i will do without objection. Definitely not. Will i allow her to take on me, change my identity or to enter my privacy? Will i allow her to stop me being myself. No. I am not mad to cut her name or tattoo it on my flesh.Then how much do i love her. Or doesnt i love her at all? All i know is that i love her. It has no measurement. But how can i convey it to her without hurting her and also doing justice to myself? I got up and sat facing her.

She looked different and i didnt notice. Her hair style was changed from my favorite pony tail. Now she had taken haircut. Put it flowing on both sides. She was gorgeous before. Now she is awesome. She had put on some weight but it only made her sexier. She was my ZAHIR, My obsession. My addiction. Her smell affected my vein like a drug. And her eyes was source of inspiration and answers for me.I looked straight into her eye to get an answer. But her specs hid the answer from me. I decided to take a diplomatic solution and told her, "I dont know".

Somehow she seemed to be satisfied. We returned at sunset. But the shape in the mirror in my room asked to me "How much I love her?"......

[Thanks to someone special]

Three idiots- my best mates....

All of us have watched Rajkumar Hirani's 3 idiots. Well directed ,heart touching, emotional blockbuster of 2010. Raju, Farhan and Rancho became parts of our life. Probably best ever campus film produced. This post is dedicated to my best three friends. I have got plenty of friends. But i got 3 gems of friends in my life (Hope i made a 4th one on 3rd July 2010. That is another story). They helped me to get back from the forest which i had mentioned in earlier post. They were with me, helping me, guiding me and teasing me. They were my ARIADNE's THREAD which helped me to get back from the Labyrinth i was in. All say friends are made in heaven (or was it marriage?). But i say friends makes our world a heaven. And its not the laughter which we share makes the friendship, but its the tear which we share that makes the friendship. My 3 idiots were the ones who stayed with me in my dark times. Providing me shoulder to cry on. They helped me to revive my self when i was getting lost with myself.

All 3 were very different. One thing common between them was friendship.One was like an elder sister scolding me, advising me to be in right path. Another was like a doctor healing the patient. He took great care. The other one, she was the best among all. 1st one scolded me, 2nd advised me and 3rd listened me.1st was sad for me, 2nd was solution for me and 3rd was hope for me. Together they helped me to rebuild my world. Without them i wont be here.

Now to conclude i have a quote from Paulo Coelho's THE ZAHIR

"His companions say HE IS LUCKY. But he knows that luck is to look around him and to see where his friends are, because it was through their words that the angels were able  to make themselves heard"

[Thanks: - Rasna R, Emil Abraham & Shahida A M]

First Interview......

26th September 2010

I attended my first interview today and it was an experience. Came to know about it only yesterday night at 11. Have to go at 7 in morning.No formal dress, no shoes and unshaven... I have to attend interview of Satyam, HCL, DELL, IBM etc..... When i called Mukul, who is also attending, he was shaving at midnight!!! Got up early and started to the place at 7 in casuals. (Half sleeve, jeans, no shoes and unshaven) Mukul and his friend too was there. Reached the institute @9. No one was there. Someone told companies will arrive@10 only. We registered in all companies. It was fun. People were like in mess hall fighting to get their opportunity. No queue no order.After tedious registration we did not know what to do. Someone told to wait in a classroom. It was 10.30 then. We waited and waited. There was no movement. Since we did not have breakfast soon we slept in classroom!!! When we got up it was 1.30. Still no movement. Went to canteen and had food. As always Hyderabadi food sux. We returned and waited for some time. Still no one came. We wondered what was happening and went to enquire. Then only we shockingly realized placement was going on in other places. and we were simply wasting time in that room. In that panic we went and registered for Genpact and wrote HCl's aptitude. Now it was 4.30. Again went to canteen to have tea. We thought of leaving. But one of us told anyway we came lets wait for HCL's results. We went and enquired and as expected none of us passed. Someone told IBM's GD was going on and we decided to attend it. Mukul's CV was over. They told to write in a white paper. WHITE PAPER!!! He came out to write and rest attended GD. Topic was Engg Colleges in India. I talked and talked beautifully (hope so)... But when results came both of us were rejected. We went to Genpact. No one was there. So we stole Mukul's CV which we gave there for registration and gave it to him who was waiting to attend GD with CV written in a notebook page. He attended and was selected. Later me and Manu realized we were rejected because of our Kerala Slang. Lost opportunity at IBM due to poor slang IBM!!! Oh My GOD.English - my favorite language, became villain today. And luck favored Mukul. He got selected. Oh! we had decided to come back. Stayed just to know the results and he got a job. I realized everything has its own time. Also that hardwork never fails. Mukul- hardworking got selected and me- lazy was rejected. :). But again as i always tell.... WHO CARES!!!!